Thursday, February 5, 2009

Dear Dishonest Ute Fan,


Dear Dishonest Ute Fan,

Yes, I know it was you who stole our "Y" trailer hitch cover during our recent trip to Utah. It was one of my husband's few prized possessions. As any married person knows, possessions are divvied up as "ours" and "hers," with only scant leftovers as "his." So, Mr. Single (does that sound derogatory, because that's what I'm going for), Dishonest, Ute Fan--SHAME ON YOU.

Don't try to pass the blame to the good people of Elko; where, by the way, we paid a small fortune to sleep in the only hotel room not occupied by gatherers of the National Cowboy Poetry Gathering. For one thing, cowboys have no need of trailer hitch covers because theirs are always hitched to something. For another, no self-respecting cowboy would mistake our "Y" hitch cover for a belt buckle, though it might have rivaled his in diameter. And finally, everyone knows a cowboy will not venture out into 6 degree weather if there's no stock needing feeding.

And don't try to blame an over-zealous BYU fan either. First off, all BYU fans are ecclesiastically endorsed. And even if a financially-strapped BYU fan reckoned our "Y" hitch cover was worth breaking the eighth commandment (a philosophical debate best saved for a later date), I'm quite sure he'd be too weak from pedaling up to Wymount after donating his plasma on his way home from his telemarketing job to actually remove the hitch cover.

And don't try and tell me the hitch cover simply fell out. Although it was a journey of more than 500 miles, it would have been one heck of a hail mary to knock the cotter pin loose, slide the hitch cover out, and miraculously pop the cotter pin back in.

So I know it was you, you little punk. And while Jesus will surely forgive you, I'm likely to hold a grudge. Especially since your thievery was completely unnecessary, seeing as you won the Beehive Boot and all this year. One would think the Sugar Bowl would have sweetened you up just a bit. It's not like we were sporting the "Y" on game day. Seriously, committing misdemeanors in the off-season. Isn't that just, ahh, juvenile? (No comment on juvenile behavior during the season.)

You leave me no choice but to curse you. As my father's daughter, I assure you I can curse with the best of them. I curse you that all your best players will elect to draft early, that all your recruits will sign with Alabama, and that all your decent players will be academically ineligible. I curse your team with torn ACLs, ripped rotator cuffs, the pox, and a nasty bout of buttocks boils. And you, Mr. Single, Dishonest, Ute Fan, I curse you that if and when you take a wife, her legs might grow together. After all, I am my father's daughter.

Sincerely,
True Blue and Proud of It

14 comments:

whit said...

Yikes, I will never steal anything from you!! Haha

April said...

Hilarious!! Worded so well! Too bad for Dan!!

Megan said...

Ok after I stopped laughing, and I mean really laughing, my next thought was "It's quite possible that Laurie needs to seek professional help to deal with all this anger." But then my true blue spirit responded, "Nah. I think that UTE deserves it."

Kristin said...

Well said sister! So sad for your loss.

The Pili Aiga said...

You are the best writer Laurie...seriously!! So, so funny. Hope your birthday was great!

Lauren in GA said...

I am sorry you were robbed. This open letter was BRILLIANT!!!!!! You are a great writer...I am with whit, I will never ever steal from you ;)

Christie said...

No, I think a Ute fan would desecrate it somehow. They're not smart enough to figure out how to remove pins and such. I'd vote for the dishonest Y fan. Be on the lookout at the next Y tailgate party.

The Romeo Family said...

Is the Y only significant to football, or is that the only sport that matters? And how will I ever be able to distinguish your car in parking lots anymore?

Ruthykins said...

holy cow. i hope i never end up on your bad side.

sara said...

love it.

Valerie said...

I was laughing out loud when I read this and so was Rob. He actually knocked on the table afterward in true agreeance. You're hysterical, Laurie!

leigh said...

i've never been a super cougar. that is, until i moved into the red zone. seriously - what is up with everyone hating byu? even people who don't go to the U hate it (I think there are like 10 schools who call byu their rival.)

ps - i'm finally going to add you to my google reader so i don't miss out on any of your excellent commentary on fish tumors, glaucoma, utes, or boys in general.

Erika said...

I love reading your very clever posts... such a good outlet for your talent. Hey and now you know what to get Dan for fathers day. xoxo

Jessica said...

When this starts getting forwarded all over the internet, I want credit, cause I'm starting it right now, by sending it to my mother.

So so so clever.